Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Even If Only In My Dreams

It finally happened.  I was wondering why it hadn't happened before.  Maybe I have been too exhausted until now.

I walked into a room, a round room.  The only piece of furniture in the room was a single bed.  An old fashioned kind with a brass head board.  The brass was worn, and brown.   A big old fat cat was lying  on the bed with his paws curled underneath him. His black, brown and white fur all puffed out.

Joe was kind of kneeling on the side of the bed, his legs on the floor,  his head propped up on his elbows on the bed.  He was staring at the cat.

He looked up as I entered the room.   He looked so sad.
"What's the matter, Joe?" I asked.
"Are you in pain?"
He shook his head no.
His shoulders started to shake as he began to cry.
"I don't want to go, Ma, I don't want to go."
I climbed onto the bed and tried to hold him.  I could feel his thin body in my arms.
"I don't want you to go, Joe, I don't want you to go."  I sobbed.

I woke with a start, tears rolling down my face.  I felt as though I couldn't cry hard enough or long enough to ease the pain.

I was wondering why it hadn't happened before this.

I wanted to see him one more time, even if it were only in a dream.   I wanted to hear his voice one more time, even it were only in a dream.  I wanted to hold him one more time, even if it were only in a dream.

Perhaps someday I will be comforted by old photos and precious memories.

Perhaps someday, the dreams will be of the good times.

But I know that he didn't want to go and I know that I can never let him go.


  1. I've sometimes thought the dreams are the hardest part.  In my sleep, he's here.  Then I wake up and he's really not.  We all know it gets better, but the getting there is so rough.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  2. It's one of life's unfair good news/bad news propositions.  The good news is Joe is there; the bad news is Joe is there, but only in your dream.  I can't speak for me, because I there is no way i could possibly fathom your pain.  Speaking rhetorically, I would mull around the thought that nothing is going to remove that pain, nothing can sharpen it [I fervently hope], so I would think a dream which featured Joe, would be a welcome thing, because for a few fleeting nano-seconds, happiness prevails.

  3. As my brother Mark said below, there is no way I can fathom your pain and I would never even pretend to try.  Our dad died very unexpectedly some years back and I do look for him in my dreams.  He's only come there three times but it was so good to feel his presence again.  I know you can never let Joe go.  How could you?   I look forward to reading more of your precious words.

  4. Lynda, this again is just beautiful writing.  I know when I have dreams where some person walks through my dream, it just gives me such an ache inside. 

    On a bit happier note, I tagged you with the Liebster Blog Award for your awesome writing.  If you are inclined to accept it, you can find it at

    Peace to you and yours at this holiday season.