Monday, March 5, 2012

Hoping To Find A Better Place Out in Space

     Today the question is:  "Would you rather travel to space or go deep into the ocean?"
     When I first saw this question I immediately got a little panicky.  Mainly because I am the kind of gal who likes to keep her feet firmly planted on the ground.  And as I revealed in a previous post, I am uncomfortable with uncertainty.
     So before I can make a decision about which I would choose, I have to examine each scenario.
     I'll talk about the deep ocean first.   My first reaction is that the ocean is a deep, inky dark place.  And even though the ocean is vast, my second reaction is that it would be a place where I would feel claustrophobic.
     Perhaps that has something to do with the fact that I never learned how to swim.  The reason I never learned how to swim is that I have a fear of the water.  Well, not all water, but deep, inky dark water in particular.
     I'm sure that might have something to do with getting knocked over by a wave when I was a kid.  Also my mother and father never learned how to swim and therefore they had a fear of water.  Again not all water, just the deep, inky dark type.
     Okay so say I learn to swim, get over my fear of deep, dark inky water, and practice measured breathing to help with the claustrophobia, what would there be about the ocean that I might find fascinating?
     Urgh! I can't do it, I can't get beyond the deep, dark inky claustrophobic water.
     Let me try the space travel idea.  Now there, there is where I can see the possibilities.  The possibility of discovering that there is other life in another universe.  What if there is a better place?  A place where the species has evolved to the highest plane.  Where the is no conflict.  Where people respect one another. Where the golden rule rules. Where there is no upper, middle or lower class.  Where poverty doesn't exist.
Where I would not have to wonder what life would have been like for my son if he had lived.  Where March would not be Colon cancer awareness month. Where I wouldn't have to urge everyone who should get a colonoscopy does get one.  That's because in that universe there would not be the evil that is cancer.
     When I look up at the night sky, particularly when it is as clear as it has been lately, and marvel at the brilliance of the moon and the stars, I imagine such a place.

Today,  has been three months since my son, Joe, passed away from stage IV colon cancer.  I miss him more each day.  He died on December 5.  Today was particularly difficult.   As the days turned into weeks and the weeks turn into months, my pain does not ease.    I am afraid that if I let go of the pain, I will be letting go of him.   The pain seems to keep him close to me.  After all isn't feeling pain better than not feeling at all?

Here is today's entry from Anna's Diary:
Tues. march 5, 1929
Home all day.  Rained. Hail. Frances over for the evening.  E. stopped to show us her new coat. Marie for supper. Michael called for Frances about twelve from lodge.

Click here to see the post where I introduced Anna's Diary.


  1. That pain is a part of who you are now, just as the joys Joe brought into your life will also always be a part of who you are and of your relationship with him.

    I love being in the ocean--to a point. Don't think I would want to spend much time under it. I can only imagine the weight of all that water pressing down on me. Ugh. And deep space is somewhat intriguing--though so much of it is vastly empty that I think it would probably be a pretty lonely adventure for the most part.

  2. True, the feeling of pain reminds you that you are alive.  But that's not to say it is peaceful or pleasant.  I know that you will miss Joe forever and it's okay to keep that pain close by.  Don't rush yourself to lose the pain.  Don't lose Joe.
    I wouldn't want the deep ocean either though I would love the beach and the blue that is there.  Forget deep outer space for me too.  I would be lonely.