Sunday, March 11, 2012

As The Days Go By

      As the days go by, my sadness seems to go deeper.  Yesterday I was at a gathering where there were a few people who I had not met before.   As we sat around the table, the conversation turned to children and grandchildren.  A woman asked my sister how many children she had.  Before the woman could turn her attention to me and ask me the same question, I quickly got up from the table. I mumbled something about having to make a phone call and left the room.   I have anticipated someone asking me this question. Do I say that I have two children? Do I say I have a daughter and son and a son who recently passed away?  I worry if I answer it that way, I would then have to answer questions about my son's illness.  It is still hard for me to talk about Joe without tearing up.
      As the days go by, my my sadness seems to go deeper.  Today I saw that my daughter-in-law had tweeted that she was having a hard day because Sunday's were particularly lonely.  I wonder what I can say to offer her comfort.  Saying that I am thinking of her or that my heart aches for her seems so inadequate.
     As the days go by, my sadness seems to go deeper.  I was looking for a knitting pattern in my closet and came across a photo of my son.  It took my breath away.   I am still shocked and confused about why he is no longer here.
     As the days go, by my sadness seems to go deeper.  The weather has been warm.  I look out of my window and the sun beckons me to the outdoors.  I fight my impulse to stay in my bedroom with the shades drawn.
     As the days go by, my phone rings.  I hear my daughter's voice.  She tells me about the silly things my grandson says. It makes me laugh out loud.  She tells me about the shopping trip that she and Bella went on to pick out a dress for the Candy Land Dance.  I picture Bella trying on every dress and picking out the one that has the most twirl in it and I smile.
     As the days go by I stand at the podium with my knees shaking as I give the eulogy for my Uncle.  I spot my daughter-in-law in the back of the church.  She is holding Domani.  When he hears my voice he smiles and I am no longer nervous.
     As the days go by I hug my youngest son and tell him that things will work out.  We cry and say "I love you".
     As the days go by Ross holds me and comforts me.
     As the days go by so does life go on.

Here is today's entry from Anna's diary:
Mon. March 11 2012
Home.  Drove to Belleville in afternoon with Junior to see if Helen came home.  Not there, but saw Celie from Boston.  After supper went to Mt. Prospect with Rosalie to see "Fazil".

 Fazil was a silent film starring Charles Farrell, Greta Nissen and John Boles.
"An Arab prince born and raised in the desert and a beautiful Frenchwoman from Paris fall in love and marry, but the tremendous differences in their backgrounds and the cultural differences between their two different societies put strains on their marriage that may well prove irreparable."

Click here to see the post where I introduced Anna's Diary.


  1. I have known death in my life. It is devastating and it takes an awful long time for your heart to begin to heal.  I can't imagine enduring the loss of one of my children.  I have only lost my parents.  Their deaths were devastating  blows.  I will say it gets worse before it gets better and the passage of time helps.  My heart bleeds for you and I pray you find the inner strength to cope one day at a time.  That will be the only way you can tackle it.  Kind words won't soothe the pain you are experiencing.  Only a lot of time will.  My prayers are with you!


  2. Something I wrote tonight ..."CRUSHED BY emotions ....FEELINGS overwhelming! !!!THE LOSS OF A brother A SICKENING feeling! !!

  3. Oh, what a horribly tough time to be going through and what a moving post.  Just yesterday I was reminded of how raw grief can be and how much the closeness of friends and family can help.

  4. Even though my I am bogged down by the fog of my grief, I do recognize the tremendous kindness, love and support of those around me. 
    Thank you for yours. 

  5. JP,
    I guess I do know Joe is with me always.  I know you are hurting over the loss of your godson too. The  pain of my grief does equate to the depth of your emotion for Marissa. And the question of how many children is equally difficult for both of us.  I know how difficult it has been for you.  I would hope that other parents of children with autism would not be at all judgmental of doing what is right for you.  Love you too,Sis

  6. Love you too. :) 

  7. Thank you for your kind words and understanding.  

  8.  Even though kind words can't take the pain away, they do sooth and I appreciate them.  Thank you.

  9. Writing helps.  You should do more of that.  I'm sorry that you are hurting, but I understand.

  10. Life is complicated, isn't it?  Your post is poignant and so are the comments below.  Losing Joe is unthinkable and yet you have to think about it.  You have no choice.  What to say when people ask about your children?  As the reader below says, I suspect it will depend on your mood and the situation.  Those things will evolve.
    In the meantime, what I know is that the warmth and affection of friends and family are what you have to get you through these tough days.  Lean on these people.  They want to be there for you.

  11. I've often wanted to comment on your posts; don't know why I never have, but here goes....Maybe you were meant to find that picture of Joe...maybe he guided you to look for that pattern in your closet...maybe he's sending you a sign that he's still with you.

    In no way does this equate with the feeling you had of possibly being asked about the number of children  you have, but I sometimes feel uncomfortable with the same question.  I am proud to say I have two daughters, but I dread the next question....what do they do?...where do they live?  I shape my answer depending on my mood and the person asking, etc.  Will the person be uncomfortable when I tell them my 25 year old daughter has autism and lives in a group home?  Typically I'll start talking about my youngest and steer the conversation to another topic.  I'm sure that's not the politically correct thing to do in the autism advocate community, but sometimes I'm just to weary to deal with it.

    Love you Sis