Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Purple Fingernails

I think I am slowly coming out of the trance I have been in for the past 5 weeks.  The numbness is being replaced by a hollow feeling of emptiness.  It is a physical feeling. I can point to the parts of my body where I feel it.  Sometimes it is shallow and at the surface.  Other times it is way down deep inside.  But it is always painful.

I try to ignore it.  I try to hide it from others.  I smile and say fine when asked how I am doing.  Sometimes I give more of a hint as to how I am really doing by answering, "oh, I am hanging in there."

I have been trying to hide it in my postings by writing about light hearted subjects.

But my body knows the truth.  My body reveals the pain and sadness in my aching jaw. Irrational anxieties fill my belly with jittery butterflies.  My mind gets little rest and my sleep is fitful.

In the early morning hours, before the sun is up, my eyes fill with tears, and as I try to silence my sobs, the pain becomes more intense.

Today I had my fingernails painted purple.  Perhaps that is the color of my pain.


  1. The first time I visited your site, you had just posted "And I See Their Faces."  I have read everything since.  One of our writing associates uses the expression "Writing is Cheap Therapy," and I revel in that thought.  Which of us does not better him or herself through the process of self-expression?  If it helps, keep in mind that, as you share your own path to re-establishing some sense of normalcy, that others share in your grief, and are pulling for you.  Sometimes words work well to provide a cushion for the eventual fall back to Earth, when the dust finally stops swirling.  Whatever helps make it good.

  2. Mark notes that sometimes words work.  He's a boy.  I go for the purple fingernails...... or the boots.