The pamphlets that come in the mail explain how I will feel as I grieve over the loss of my son. "Don’t worry." They say. "What you are experiencing is perfectly normal." Apparently there are stages of this grief that everyone goes through.
I wonder, though if it is normal for me to feel sad for my son. Those who try to console will say, "At least he isn’t in anymore pain.” I wonder how “they” know that. Today, for no particular reason, at least not one I can identify, I have been feeling an overwhelming sadness.
As I sat still with my sadness, I came to an understanding that I have not had before. I suddenly realized that along with the so called “normal” feelings of grief and loss I am also experiencing certain maternal feelings of worry and protectiveness. I feel the deepest pain when I have thoughts that somehow Joe is hurting.
He was happiest when he was with his family. He and Anne found love again. There are no words powerful enough to describe how he felt about Domani. He fought so hard to stay here with them. How can he possibly be at peace? The visions in my mind are torturous.
Oh, I know. Of course, I know. I know that I am asking THE questions. Where is Joe? Is he at peace, and out of pain? And the ultimate question of why is one I ask over and over again. Would it be any easier if I knew for sure that there are no answers?
No, there was no mention of how to move on from my pain in those pamphlets.
The pain I am suffering is a mother’s pain. After all, wasn’t it supposed to be me watching over my son? Forever his mother is what I will always be.
I have created a page for Anna's Diary. It can be found under the Tab titled Anna's Diary.
I have posted all of the entries to date there, starting with January 1, 1929.
Here is today’s entry from Anna’s diary:
Thurs. June 27, 1929
Seashore. Went bathing with children. After supper we took them all to Asbury to ride the ponies and the Merry-go-round. Had them weighed and we won three boxes of candy.