The Doctor and Her Computer

Off to the doctor's this morning for a follow-up routine visit.  I am nervous about this visit because one of the numbers on my blood test was out of range.
My appointment is for 8:30.  I better wake Ross up.  He said he would come with me.
It's 7:00 a.m.
At the Doctor's Office
I don't know, I mean I guess I understand the necessity to improve efficiency and maintain accuracy,  but there is something disconcerting about my doctor being so attached to her laptop.
Yes, yes,  I have seen certain benefits.  For instance, when I need a prescription re-fill, she, right on the spot, connects to Express scrips and voila, it's done.
Lab work, same thing.  The Doc, via her laptop network connection, sends over the script for whatever tests she wants me to have.  I don't have to remember to bring that piece of paper with me.  And it has happened on numerous occasions.  I walk into the lab and that's when I remember that I forgot the paperwork.
All of my history is right there in front of her.  Today, she got a little upset, though, when I had to remind her that the reason I was not taking that medicine she prescribed was that I didn't tolerate it very well.  She didn't remember that she told me to stop taking it.  Well, she wasn't upset with me, of course.  She was upset at the "Computer" for not having that particular update recorded.  The  "Computer" still had me taking that medicine.   She said, "Oh, I hate when the "Computer doesn't update."
<sigh>
So after a few minutes, she finally pried her eyes away from Ms. Computer, and asked how I was doing.
I asked her about the blood test results.  Uh, oh, eye contact lost.  She immediately started scrolling.
Oh, yes, here it is, she said.  I could tell she was immensely relieved that Ms. Computer at least had that update.
She told me that even though the lab (I'm sure it was really the lab's computer) had recorded that number in the "high" column, I really didn't have to worry.
 Hmm, apparently, she and Ms. Computer do not know me that well.
"Are you sure?"  I asked.  She re-assured me again.  We'll just keep an eye on it.
Hmm, the perfectly wrong thing to say to me.
Anyway, she told me that she wouldn't need to see me until August.
She said a funny thing about the next appointment.  She told me that she and Ms. Computer keep track of her patients appointments.  She doesn't trust the office staff to do that.  So, she will personally put my name on a list, which she maintains. She calls it her list.  I assume, she enters that info into Ms. Computer.
Then, I would imagine, Ms. Computer, at the appropriate time,  reminds her to remind the office staff to call me to make an appointment.
<sigh>
I have to say, I really do like my doctor.  Even though, I know she has to rely on Ms. Computer to help her to "remember" me, I do feel that she really does know who I am.
It was proven to me when she walked into the room and said, "Oh, you changed your hair."
Now, that made me smile.


Even though, the cold, gray, damp, but no snow, winter drags on, I did see a couple of hopeful robins hopping and flittering around the back yard this morning.

Ding! Ding! I HIT THE JACKPOT!

These long cold winter days provide me with much time for reflection.  I ponder, I worry, I think. I philosophize, empathize and hypothesize.   My thoughts bounce around like a silver pin ball. My game is off, though. I  hardly ever score  the "ah ha" jackpot. I mostly wind up in the deep dark "huh?" crevices instead.  

I toy with the notion that in the end all will be revealed.  The more I think about that fanciful  idea, the more I am leaning towards...mmm, maybe I don't wanna know, you know?
I tend to think that most humans, and maybe my dog Rico, find comfort in the hope that the time we spend "here" is a preparatory venue for the big show.  You know, visions of puffy clouds, and pearly gates and the biggest family reunion ever!
Another theory is that the time spent "here" is an ongoing, grueling SAT exam.  You don't pass the test, you don't get in.

Cardstock.com

There are the Judgement Day-ers. (JDer)  If you had any exposure, what so ever, to any kind of organized religion, chances are, you are a JDer.  You will go through life, expecting that somehow, somewhere, someone is logging and recording your every thought, deed, and action into a dusty old parchment journal. You spend your time worrying about that "just one time" when you shouldn't have.  Or how about that other time when you should have. You wait in a forever line of those who came before you. Will you live up to their standards or will you have been dragged down by them?

Of course, of course, as I write this, I believe I have just hit the "ah ha" jackpot. Ding! Ding! That dusty old parchment journal is the one I keep.  I  am my own harsh judge.  My judgement day is everyday.
Lately I have been experimenting with the idea that it might, in fact, be more of a relief to know that when the pin ball no longer bounces, and the lights no longer flash, the final jackpot might, indeed, just be the peace of nothingness.
Although, that idea of the biggest family re-union ever...well,  that would be worth a least a million jackpot points, for sure.

Where’s My Hat? Is It Because?

Is It Because?
I sensed you were here with me in the haze of the darkness of the night.  You stood alone away from the others and you called out to me.  You were cold, you said.  “Where’s my hat?”  “You made everyone else one, but have you forgotten about me?”

Is it because I have started to lift my head up a little now and then?
But, I lift my head up only to seek your smile, frozen in framed memories.
Is it because I caught a glimpse of light out of the corner of my eye, every so slightly and looked to see what was to the left and to the right of me?
But, what is to the right of and left of me are only the rocky paths of broken dreams and unfilled promises.
Is it because I sometimes now notice that I haven’t showered since too many days ago?
But, steamy waterfalls, echoing and pounding on cold tiles, only drown out my sobs and mask my tears.
Is it because I smile and laugh when the others are around?
But, I smile and laugh for them, for that is only what they can bear to see and hear.
Is it because I left my warmth of inside yesterday?
But, the ice of outside winter only dulls my pain.

I sometimes feel that the shackles of my grief are starting to loosen ever so slightly.  But the sound from the rattle of loose chains are just as binding.

 Even though I may try to bury my sadness in graves of distraction, I miss you every minute of every day.

You are with me always.  Today I will make your hat.  It will be the most special one, for the yarn will be threads of loving memories.  And when it is finished I will wear it for you.