His Daddy's Shoes

Yesterday Joe had a consultation appointment with a surgeon in New York city.   Anne went with him and  Ross and I babysat for Domani.

Domani is a happy soon to be one year old.   He makes me smile and I laugh out loud when I see him wiggle his little butt in time to the music.

Babysitting for him is a pretty easy gig.

As I was taking this next picture, my only thought was how cute and funny this was.

As I look at it now, though, I thought about how significant this picture really is.  On one level it is a just another photo of a little boy trying on his Daddy's shoes.

My hope is that Domani will not have to fill his father's shoes for many, many years to come.

Don't Cry...Be Strong...

During the last few months of my mother's life, she lived with Ross and I.

We took care of her physical and emotional needs.  We were her nurse and sometimes doctor.
Along with the loving, caring support of the women of Hospice,  we made sure she was comfortable and not in pain.

During her illness, everyone kept telling me that my priority was to take care of myself so that I could be strong for my Mom.

I never quite understood what was meant by that.

What does "taking care of yourself mean"?

And for that matter what does "being strong" mean?

Last weekend I was supposed to attend a wedding. This  involved a 2-1/2 hour car trip.  It was to be a three day affair.   Friday night rehearsal dinner, Saturday all day wedding, and Sunday Brunch.

I had all intentions of going.  But the Wednesday before the Wedding I got some upsetting news.

Suddenly I was not up for whooping and partying.

The groom's parents were very understanding.  But they thought it might do me some good to attend the wedding..."you know it might take you mind off things", they said.

I also had to let a couple of the other guests know I just wasn't up to going.   "Oh come on", they said.
"You can't just sit around all weekend."   "It will do you good to get away."  "You should come."

And then there were those phrases again..."You have to take care of yourself"  "You have to be strong".

Did they mean that by joining in the celebration of a young couple starting out their life would take my mind off of my son, his wife and their soon to be one year old son and the difficult time they were going through?

Would going to the wedding mean that I would be "taking care of myself"?  Did it mean that I was "being strong"?

Somewhere along the line, early on, I suppose, I was taught that not crying was being strong.

I was taught that you carry on, even if your head feels like it is going to explode from a migraine.

You don't let anything get you down.   There were no such thing as sleeping in or taking naps, or staying in bed with a cold.

You always fulfill your obligations and stick to your commitments.

Is that what being strong means?

After having a good long talk with myself I made the decision.  So, we didn't attend the wedding.

But what I did do was have a quiet breakfast with Ross at a place on the Island called "The Sandbox Cafe".

We had been trying to get in all summer.  We finally made it.

It's quite a quaint little outdoor dining place.

What we did do was buy a pull out sofa for our den so that when our kids and grandkids come to visit at least two of them won't have to sleep on the floor.

It needs a cozy new knitted afghan, don't you think?

What we did do was spend an afternoon with Jen, Derek, Ryan and Bella.

What I did do was start a new shawl LGG's Duchess.

What I did do was cry a lot, reflect somewhat,  listen to the new book I have been waiting for "A Trick of the Light" by Louise Penny,  knit, and spend quiet time with Ross.

I was perfectly happy to "hear all about the wedding.  It sounded quite lovely.

I think I now understand what "taking care of myself" means.

But what does "being strong" mean?

I do know that somehow I found the strength when I needed it most to take care of my Mom.

It wasn't anything I consciously did, I  just DID.

Ross was right there with me while taking care of my Mom and I know he will always be there for me as  I will be for him.

But sometimes I think we both need to do a little "taking care of ourselves."

Perhaps admitting that we need a little help and support and asking for it is what "being strong" really means.

The Restricted Life Style

Today is Monday, the 18th week of  the "ABC with the Accidental Knitter's meme".
The letter is R

Nine years ago Ross and I moved into an Active Adult Community in Barnegat, NJ.  The community is one of many that have popped up down at the Jersey shore.

According to  Wikipedia  the population of our once little town has grown from 2,817 in 2000 to the nearly 21,000 which it currently is.  I'm sure the six new senior complexes have contributed somewhat to  the growth of the population.

Primarily what enticed us to move an hour away from everyone and everything was the close proximity to the beach.   Secondly,  the main selling point so aptly described  to us in detail by a very competent salesperson was the "Lifestyle".

Have you ever seen the ads for these communities?  Photo montages of very young looking people actively swimming, jogging, biking, playing tennis, working out in the on-site fitness centers, etc.

These are my favorite two couples

I'm sure these four would have never thought to skip through the woods in the rain or dance on a picnic table before they moved into the "Lifestyle".

So we were sold...hook, line and sinker.   Or was it hoodwinked by that line of...

Anyway, we signed on the dotted line.

Three months later on the day of closing we were handed a copy of the By-Laws along with a copy of  "Declaration of Covenants and Restrictions", each weighing about 3 pounds.  Okay, they might not have actually weighed three pounds, but they certainly were not light reading material. 

There are also documents on Rules and Regulations along with stated punishments for each violation.  

I think they hide the Stocks and Pillory  in the "beautifully wooded surroundings" :)

Here are a few excerpts from the "Declaration of Covenants and Restrictions".

     

 "No building, fence, wall, or other structure shall be constructed or maintained up any Lot, nor shall any exterior addition, change, or alteration be made until the plans and specifications showing all details of the sam are submitted to and approved in writing by the Board or the Architectural Review Committee, if one has been appointed.  Nothing contained herein shall be deemed to authorize the Board to approve any structure or plating in the easement described in Article XXI herein."

 "No Signs window signs, notices or displays of any nature oor kind shall be shown or displayed up the Lots or Units"

"No outside clotheslines, solar panels, antennas, or satellite dishes over 20 inches in diameter are permitted on any Lot. Satellite dishes under 20 inches in diameter are permitted on the rear portions of roof areas provided same are not visible from the street."

And it goes on an on.   

Ross has been on a committee for the past three years.   These seven folks have been re-writing the by-laws, rules, regulations, covenants and restrictions.  

This was a very huge undertaking to say the least.

Their task was to wade through mounds of papers, line by line and attempt to make the documents more understandable, with less legalize, and perhaps even a little less restrictive.

One of the more controversial restrictions is the one regarding vehicles.  In the original document, which was written by the developer 15 years ago, it was stated that no trucks of any kind would be allowed to be parked on the street or in a home owner's driveway.  They had to be parked in the home owner's garage.

One home owner spent thousands of dollars extending his garage so that he could fit his truck in.  Many others had to sell their trucks because they couldn't fit them in their garages. 

This is one of the restrictions the committee wants to ease.

After all many people have boats down here at the shore.  I'm sure that was one of the selling points used.    I bet somewhere in the brochure is a photo of a couple speeding along the bay.   

Most people who have boats need some kind of truck to haul their boat.

Also I see many SUV's around here, parked in driveways.  Aren't they basically trucks?

But as in any group there are always the squeaky wheels.  People who I am sure suffer from "middle child" syndrome.    

One of them insisted that a major reason he moved into this type of  community was so that he wouldn't have to deal with seeing trucks parked willy nilly all over the place.    Yes, he said willy nilly.

Another complained that he had to sell his truck, so why should the rule be changed now?   

I wonder if  Ross and I would have been so quick to sign on the dotted line if, instead of showing us the "Lifestyle", the salesperson handed us the three pound Covenants and Restrictions document.  

Can you imagine that...

    Salesperson:   Okay before I will even attempt to show you the models, which are professionally decorated and include all of the upgrades which you probably won't be able to afford, but which you will want because you basically want that model, which we created expressly to entice you into buying all of the upgrades...and before I show you the two swimming pools, indoor and outdoor, and the tennis courts and bocce courts and the ball room, and pool tables, and ceramics room, and card room...you must read this three pound document.   I expect to see you back here tomorrow morning with a written report on said document showing that you completely understand all of our Rules and Regulations.