"So What Time Are You Not Going Today?"

Saturday, June 29, 2013 11:15 AM
It's going to be an Iffy day.



















Even though I kept insisting that I wasn't going to go, I knew I would go.
I probably always knew I would go.  I knew I wouldn't be able to stay away.  I balked right up until the last minute, but I knew I would go.  Johanna teased me at breakfast.  "So, what time are you not going today?" She asked.
I knew it would be hard.  Going without them, being there without her, and not having him there, would be especially hard.
In the car, on the way, I daydreamed.  I imagined what it would be like to walk into the back yard and find them there. I would see them and I would cry.  My tears would be sugary sweet tears filled with joy.

Ross, and I are going to the Pugliese Family Reunion today.  I was a first born twice.   Bella was a first born twice, it seemed only fitting that she would come with us.

When we walked into the backyard, there were already a lot of folks mingling and gathering around.  The greetings were the familiar ones you hear from those who haven't seen each other in a while.  They call out to you, as if they are surprised that they have remembered your name or can recognize your face after all of these years.  Hey, Lynda!   "And who is this young lady?" They want to know.   Bella stands shyly by as I introduce her.
As each family comes around the corner and into the backyard, I begin to feel emotional.  I suppose it is partly nostalgic.  I sense those around me who stand in the shadows.  I look around for my mother.  Her presence is strong.  I feel her.
Bella takes off  to go play with Nicky.  Even though they have only been with each other a few times in their life, it is important to Bella that she is somehow connected to Nicky.  It doesn't matter that the connection is 2nd cousin once removed, it only matters to Bella that she is with family.
There were ten siblings of my mother's generation.  Each one of the sisters and brothers married.  I believe that with the exception my Uncle Red, Aunt Sue and Uncle Anthony, each sibling was represented by at least one member of their family.

















I counted 82 people in attendance.  I surprise myself that I can identify each and every person, perhaps not always by name, but I can particularly identify which branch of the family they are part of.

I chat up with a few, but mostly I participate with my camera.

When the family band begins to play, there is hooting and hollering, clapping and singing.  Joe would have liked that.  I imagine someone trying to coax him to get up and play.  I feel tears welling up and I must walk away.

On the way home I asked Bella if she had a good time.  She said, "No, grandma, I had a great time!"

 I always knew I would go.  I knew I wouldn't be able to stay away.  

The Painful Choice of Yes, No or Maybe - The Pugliese Saga

So my mother's side of the family started planning a reunion about a year ago.  It is going to take place this year at the end of June.
My mother came from a large Italian family.  She was one of five sisters and five brothers.  Actually, my grandmother gave birth to 17 children.  Six babies died shortly after birth.  A girl, my aunt Antonietta, died from an illness at age seven.  I felt as though I knew Antonietta because of the beautifully framed photo which reverently hung in what was probably her bedroom.
My mother was the second eldest of the surviving 10.  I was the first of my generation to be born. As you can imagine, I have many cousins.
When my grandparents were alive, there were gatherings at their house practically every Sunday and always for every holiday.
I don't know what my grandmother's secret was, but she instilled a strong sense of family in each of her children.  The brothers and sisters were very close and to this day, those who are still with us, take care of each other.
As a way to preserve the strong bond after my grandparents passed away, my aunts and uncles began an annual tradition of a get together at the beginning of summer.   Each person would take a turn hosting.
This continued for many years.
Of course time brings about change.  The close knit core of siblings became older and then smaller.
The children of the sisters and brothers married and had children of their own.   Families moved farther apart and lives became busy.
Happy family gatherings became the weddings and christenings and significant birthday parties.
Grave side gathers have sadly become common place of late.
Naturally, the saga of this family is ever evolving.  Characters are old and new.

Once by word of mouth, now by tweets and posts, tales of new babies and brides, of illnesses and death, of troubles and joy continue to spread quickly from one to another.
The last reunion I attended was probably about four or five years ago.
My mom was still alive.  My son was not ill.  My youngest was settling in with a young wife and two young children.
When I reflect back to that time, I realize, comparatively speaking, that it was quite a happy almost idyllic time.
Since then, my mom and my son have passed away.  My other son has been heartbreakingly separated from his children.
A couple of weeks ago we received our e-vite to the family reunion.

It is a difficult decision for me to make.  Will I be able to attend without my mom?  Will it be the same without my son?  Will my two little grandsons ever know about this part of their family?

As I write this, I think about my grandmother's strength.  

To this day her haunting refrain of La Familia is carried forward by her two youngest daughters as they fuss over, care, wash and feed their elder sister. 

I hear it when I think about my daughter and her husband and the new baby brother that Bella and Ryan will soon have.  I think about how special my other "daughter" Anne is and the delight of Domani.  I am hopeful that Jimmy will be strong for his sons.

Even though we may not see each other very often, I am reminded of the way my own siblings manage to stay a part of each other's lives.  

Yes, my grandmother's message was clear.  Gather together.  Laugh and cry together. Take care of each other.  

How was this woman, who knew the heartache of so much loss, still able to hold so many in her heart?

One thing I do know is that she would understand my pain.  I never felt judged by her, only loved. 

That is all I ask of my family as I struggle with my painful decision to check yes, maybe or no.