A Life Curve Ball and CBD

July 17, 2019
Wednesday

As we head into the rest of the summer, Ross is seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  He has eight more treatments to go.  YAY!   Aside from the tiredness, he's feeling well.

I've had a birthday and we celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary.

One of the things I have struggled with throughout my life is anxiety.  Having read a bit about the wide range of symptoms which can be attributed to anxiety, I would classify what I deal with as "manageable".  By that I mean it doesn't affect my life on a daily basis, but is more likely triggered by stress levels caused by life's curve balls.

Since we are currently in the midst of one of those curve balls, I have been wondering what I can do to manage the anxiety and stress.

Which brings me to today's topic.  The "miracle" of Cannabidiol or more commonly known as CBD,

According to an article in the Harvard Health Blog:

"CBD is commonly used to address anxiety, and for patients who suffer through the misery of insomnia, studies suggest that CBD may help with both falling asleep and staying asleep.

CBD may offer an option for treating different types of chronic pain. A study from the European Journal of Pain showed, using an animal model, CBD applied on the skin could help lower pain and inflammation due to arthritis. Another study demonstrated the mechanism by which CBD inhibits inflammatory and neuropathic pain, two of the most difficult types of chronic pain to treat. More study in humans is needed in this area to substantiate the claims of CBD proponents about pain control."

I've been toying with the idea of trying CBD for a few months.  During that time it seems as though the availability of CBD has become more widespread.
There are flag signs outside of all sorts of stores and shops advertising CBD.   It seems as though smoke shops were the first to bring CBD into their inventory.  Since I don't smoke (any kind of anything), I was hesitant to wander into one of "those" kind of stores.
Recently I noticed that our little local party store was flying the CBD flag outside of their shop.
When we entered the store, I wondered which aisle would contain the shelf holding the CBD products.
Party hats?  Balloons?  "Over the Hill" paraphernalia?
The woman behind the counter obviously noticed my furrowed brow and unsure demeanor.
"Can I help you find something?" she asked.
She was a friendly sort, introduced herself as "Patty" and was quite willing to tout the benefits of CBD.  Which, by the way, the various products were locked in a small cabinet on top of the counter.
Before I go further, I must tell you that I have been quite skeptical about the miraculous efficacy of CBD.
So, Patty had quite a job ahead of her to convince me.
But, Patty told us of a personal experience she had which led me and Ross to walk out the door with $100 worth of CBD products.

Apparently, Patty also has anxiety issues.   She also had been leery of CBD.  Her partner, Fran, though, was a proponent and advocate and swore by it.   But Fran could not get Patty to try it.
One day, Patty's father was rushed to the hospital.   Patty has extreme anxiety when faced with illness, hospitals and especially elevators.  All of which is what she would have to immediately be able to cope with.
In the middle of her panic, as she cried to Fran, that she would not be able to handle any of it, Fran said to Patty, "Open your mouth!"
She put a drop of oil under Patty's tongue and according to Patty, she immediately  started to calm down.

I thought, okay if it can work for Patty, it should work for me.

I bought the Gummy Bears.  Since Ross talked about pain in his neck, she pointed out the the cream would work well.  We got that too.
Patty told me to take on every morning, like a vitamin.   She said, "You don't have to wait for tomorrow morning, take one when you get home."
Which I did.
Here is what I experienced.   I immediately felt a strange sensation in my limbs.  Arms and legs.  I also began to get nauseous.   I  became jittery and irritable.  Perhaps the jittery and irritable feelings happened because I was upset about the other sensations.  I don't know.
I finally had to take an Ativan (tranquilizer) to settle down.
Since that first time, I was willing to try again, but with a lower dose.  I cut the gummy into quarters.  A quarter of the gummy did not seem to have any effect, good or bad on me.
I have not tried again.
Ross has yet to try the cream.

Now, every evening I take about a 1-1/4 mile walk around the neighborhood.  I listen to a book while I walk.  Currently I am listening to "Commonwealth" by Anne Patchett.
After my walk I settle in for some TV viewing and knitting.  I am working on a scrappy afghan.

Walking, listening to a book and knitting seem to be the "miracle" remedies I need to quiet the anxiety and stress of this latest life curve ball.

Have you tried any of the CBD products?  Have they worked for you?

A to Z 2019 April Blogger Challenge - The Letter N - Nervous Nelly

It's April - That means I will be participating in the A to Z Blog Challenge.

I will be posting six days a week for the month of April - (with a rest day on Sunday).
Each post will begin with the corresponding letter of the alphabet beginning with A and finishing with the letter Z.

I began participating in this challenge in 2012.   With the exception of last year, I believe I completed the challenge each year.   Last year I lost steam somewhere around the letter W.

Nervous Nelly

I suffer from anxiety.  Although there are times when I can't tell where the anxiety is coming from, most of the time it is situational.  I imagine it is not unusual for most people to feel anxious under certain circumstances. 
When I tell those who don't know me well that I am "very nervous" they are surprised and often say, "but you seem so calm."    I suppose internalizing is not the best way to manage anxiety. 
When my anxiety flares, it spreads like wildfire.   I'm not sure whether I am in flight or fight mode.  During those times no amount of deep breathing,  closing my eyes or listening to soothing piano music helps.  
When I am experiencing an attack, my symptoms are rapid heart beat, shaking and nausea.   It's then that I must rely on medication.   While I wait for the medication to kick in, I do try to calm myself. 
I will wrap myself up in a warm robe,  plug my earphones in,  listen to a boring book, and pick up my knitting.  
Some say that Yoga and meditation are ways to practice calmness so that it becomes second nature.    I've never been successful with meditation and I've yet to try Yoga.
My doctor has recommended a daily medication.  I did give it a try and it made horribly nauseous.   
I am still interested in meditation and am willing to seriously consider it once again. 
One of the things I have found out about myself, though, is that when I am faced with the most serious of times,  I find the strength to handle whatever needs to be handled at the time.  
After the crisis is over, though, I give in and basically crash. 

Image found here

Ask Any Robin or Blue Jay - Emp-t-ness

I couldn't quite figure it out.  I mean most of my feelings are obvious and to be expected.   At least that's  what the others have told me.   But there are other feelings that don't seem to fit into the stages of grief categories.  I know, everyone is different and each person reacts to grief differently.   Is that what these mystery feelings are?  Are they just my way?   Are they the winter blues in addition to the grief?
One of the photos I have of Joe, Anne and Domani, is one that I see when I first wake up in the morning.  Each and every time I look at that picture I have the same exact reaction.   It is a quick sharp intake of breath, followed by a shaking of my head in disbelief, and then finally a clutching of my heart in a gesture of overwhelming painful sadness.
The feelings of soulful melancholy, sharp sadness pain, fiery anger and the icy shock of acceptance are identifiable, to be expected and "normal".
I have adapted ways to cope with those types of feelings.
Most days, now, I adhere to a morning routine. This A.M. ritual is really a regimented form of intentional distraction.  It is my job.  My bonus comes in the form of an hour or two of peace.
But, it is the other nagging, unguarded and unexpected feelings that I seem to be experiencing more frequently.
I have two other children.
My daughter's family consists of a great husband, two especially wonderful kids, and four cats. They are excited to be happily expecting a third baby, a boy in a few months.
My youngest, a son, is struggling right now with the breakup of his marriage.   He is a father of the two of the cutest little boys in the world.  Yes, that is admittedly a biased grandmotherly opinion.  The boys live 800 miles away now.  It is a tough situation.
Joe's wife, my other "daughter" is simply special.   Their little boy,  is two and looks a lot like Joe did at two. In a word ADORABLE.
Just like most of today's families, my daughter and her family are stretched to the maximum. She and her husband have full time jobs, the kids have their extra curricular activities, and their calendars are full.  Baby number three will add another dimension of busy to their lives.  My contact with my daughter and the kids is usually by phone a couple of times a week.  Once or twice a month we manage a visit.
Even though My DIL's schedule is jammed packed, she reaches out to me on a regular basis. We connect with phone conversations and occasional visits.
My youngest son is lost in a sea of divorce, child custody battles and financial devastation. None of which were his choice.  My contact with him is mainly by phone and occasionally via Facebook.  Our visits are sparse.
Visits with my family are limited by layers of life.  One layer is their busy and complex lives.
The other layer is my self imposed hibernation.
My self imposed hibernation is where I spend most of time,  that is in  my various safety zones.
My main safety zone is my house.  My house is where I privately struggle with my grief, sadness, depression and anxiety.  
Another safety zone is my blog where I publicly struggle with my grief, sadness, depression and anxiety.  It is also where I have found much support.
My most import safety zone is Ross.  He provides the net and is the goalie protecting the net.  I could not get through the day without his support.

I had an Ah-Ha moment the other night.  I was speaking to my daughter, on the phone.  We usually speak during her micro segment of free time.  That's when she is preparing dinner.  I haven't quite figured out how she holds the phone while doing that, but she manages.
As is usually the case, the conversation was a five-way between Jen and me, Jen and Derek, Jen and Bella and mostly between Jen and Ryan.
As is usually the case, it went something like this:
Me:  How is everything, Jen?
Jen:  "Okay, it's okay.  Ryan, get down from there.  I mean it... now!"
Jen:  (to me, I think) "What's going on over there?"   "Bella, did you do your homework?"
Me:  "Oh, nothing much."
I hear water running, clanging of pots and pans, the sounds of the table being set.
Jen:  "Doctor says everything is good with the baby."
          "What did you say Derek?"  "No, look over there, that's where I put it."
Me:  "That's good, about the baby, I mean.  I bet you are relieved."
Then I hear Derek in the background calling the kids in for dinner.   I hear chairs shuffling and the kids arguing over who sat in the special seat last.
That's when it hit me.  That's when I figured out the mystery feelings.
I felt like a hungry observer.  I was an uninvited guest, pressing my face up to a fogged up clouded window, peering in, trying to be part of a life that isn't mine... anymore.

Ah Ha! "Empty Nest.  That is probably the cause of my mystery feelings. Intellectually, I understand that is the normal progression of life.  Ask any robin or blue jay.  I expect that by now we should have found our new niche.  But, our so called golden years have been tarnished.  Emotionally, I am having a hard time accepting the "normal" progression of life, because, you see, life didn't progress normally for me.  My son wasn't supposed to die.

To be brutally honest, for now my safety zones are what keep me teetering on the edge of the ledge, not going over.  They keep me from looking down.  Even though they may be a little shaky, my feet are planted right here on this side.


In my fantasy world, my dinner table is full.  Jen, Derek, Bella, Ryan and the little one.  Joe, Anne and Domani.  Jimmy, his wife, Kenny and Ty.  You know the way it used to be.