Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Overwrought With Emotion

When I was a little girl, five years old to be exact, I remember telling my mother that I was afraid to go to school for the first time.   She told me to be brave and that if I felt like I was going to cry, to take a deep breath and swallow the tears.
I took her message to heart and it became a sort of mantra for me.  If I could not keep my emotions in check, I would at least keep them private. 
My quiet reserve slowly and steadily absorbs droplets of sadness, worry and pain.  Each icy drip expands as I examine it, mull it over and store it in its own private space  They are shape shifters and take on forms, with familiar faces.  After a while they become habitual and permanent residents.
Yesterday I whispered that I am afraid.   Although my reserve is deep,  I fear it is nearing capacity.  Even though the walls have been solid, I have begun to recognize signs of weakening.
Anxiety and grief are unrelenting.  They obey no rules of bravery or any form of decorum.  They strike without notice or explanation.
Yesterday, as uncontrollable tears burned my eyes and warmed my cheeks, I struggled and gasped for each breath.  With clenched fists over my ears, I tried to block out the sound of my mother’s voice,  "Be brave. Don’t cry. Take a deep breath, swallow the tears.”
"You are overwrought with emotion,"  I vaguely remember Ross saying to me yesterday.
Such a funny old fashioned way of describing hysteria, I curiously thought to myself.

I have created a page for Anna's Diary.  It can be found under the Tab titled Anna's Diary.
I have posted all of the entries to date there, starting with January 1, 1929.

Here is today’s entry from Anna’s diary:
Thurs. May 23, 1929
Went to Cemetery to see if headstone was put on grave.  Not yet.  Brought deed of plot to Mr. Larson.  Went to Mrs. Nap for supper.  She gave it for her nephew and niece leaving for Washington.


  1. Lynda, Whatever it is that is troubling you, I wish you peace.  I wish you the comfort of friendship.  *HUGS* *SMILES* 

  2. I hope you have a better day tomorrow...    I am dreading the holiday weekend as it would have been my wedding anniversary, so I feel the tears coming and the stress creeping their way into me today... I am hoping for the best, as I know I am blessed.    Hugs to you!

  3. I hope you feel better. Sometimes allowing yourself to cry and not being ashamed is the best thing

  4. "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you andhelp you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

  5. Lynda, I am so sorry it's so bad, but you are allowed to fear and grieve.  Your mum was talking about going to school and she knew how good it would be for you.   She would never have anticipated or wished for you the things that have happened.  I hope you have someone 'outside' to talk it through with.  Someone who has no expectations and no grief of their own and someone who is not close enough to be fearful for you.