Overcome by Shyness... Press 7 to Delete This Message

The following is a quote from Shakespeare’s  Hamlet:

Polonius:


This above all: to thine own self be true,


And it must follow, as the night the day,


Thou canst not then be false to any man.

I am a filterer.  I take into consideration other’s feelings and I am careful about what I say.  By that I mean I think before I speak. 

Sometimes, though,  I would love to be candid and respond by “mine own true self" to those whose filters have clearly become clogged.  On the other hand, giving them the benefit of the doubt, perhaps it is just that they have basked too long in the bliss of their ignorance and their filters have combusted. Whoosh! Gone!

 One of the things I  decided to work on, here on this blog, is to find my true self.   Not an easy task, especially since I have to wade knee deep through a thousand critical voice messages stored in my brain.  Apparently, my memory does not have a limit as to the number that can be stored there and there is no way to erase these messages by simply pressing 7.   

 One of the earliest messages left on my “brain voice recorder” (I will refer to it from now on as my BVR) is one which I play over and over again.  I have to rewind (okay, my BVR is old, and uses tape) all the way back to one of the earliest messages.

"At the tone please leave your message:”  Beeeeep.

“Hello, Mrs. C.  This is Mrs. Harris, Lynda’s second grade teacher.  It is Feb. 1, 1954.  I wanted to let you know that Lynda is improving in overcoming her shyness. She cooperates very nicely and is very helpful in the classroom.”

Now, of course Mrs. Harris wasn’t the first one to implant such a message.  
My mother told the following story many, many times. 

Imagine this in my mother’s voice:  

“I’ll never forget this."  (She always started off a story with that sentence and believe me she never forgot this one.)  

“When  it was time for Lynda to start school, there was an orientation at Lincoln school in June for the children who would be starting school in September.  It was held in the auditorium at an assembly which included all of the students  in the school.  At the end of the assembly, Miss Kelly, the principal, asked each of the new kindergarteners to come up on stage and say their name.”

“And do you know that Lynda would not go up on that stage.”  

"She was so shy, she just wouldn’t go up there.”

" All of the other kids went up and said their name, but not Lynda.  Nope she was just too shy.”

So, first of all “thine self” are you shy?   

I decided to do a little research. 

Google led me to the Wellesley College’s psychology department's website and to this link.   It contains a little quiz titled “How Shy Are You?”

This was the result I got after taking the quiz: "Your total is 46. You are somewhat shy. Most shy people score over 39 and a few reach the possible high score of 65."

Okay, I would agree with that assessment.  I am somewhat shy.     I know I have come to depend on that evaluation of my personality as an explanation (okay in the vein of "true selfness”, maybe sometimes an excuse) of certain behaviors of mine. 

But, Mrs. Harris, is this really something that I need to overcome?  
Today I make this declaration.  I will embrace my somewhat shyness.   I will rewind my BVR back to 1983 and replay what that nice man (who found me in a corner all by myself and was the only one to ask me to partner with him)I met  in an assertiveness training class.  When asked to give a first impression of your partner he said the following:
“Lynda, I find you to be a gentle lady and quite charming.”
Aww, pshaw.  Really? 
Message Saved.

I have created a page for Anna's Diary.  It can be found under the Tab titled Anna's Diary.

I have posted all of the entries to date there, starting with January 1, 1929.

Here is the catch up entries from Anna’s diary:

Sunday July 21, 1929

Dinner at Mrs. Naps.  Left about three to go see Mr. Nap who is away on a farm for his health with Margaret.  Stayed overnight.  Junior loves it. 

Monday, July 22, 1929

Came home today from Stockton, NJ with Mrs. Nap and Junior.  Good trip home.  Very tired and straight to bed. [On today’s roads it would take 1 hour and 15 minutes to get from Anna’s home in Newark, NJ to Stockton, NJ.]

Tues. July 23, 1929

Went to 360.  Baby caught his thumb in the car door.  Quite upset and Dr. Murray not in.  By night it was almost all better.  Transaction of Fireman’s Shares.

Wed. July 24, 1929

Went to Ocean Grove with Edythe to see her mother-in-law in her car.  Junior along.  Stopped at Allenhust for a while.  On way home stopped at Dream land Park.[couldn’t find any info on Dreamland park]

Thurs. July 23, 1929

Mary phoned. Met her and went down town to get info at the Provident Loan co.  She was very interested in it.  Home 4:30 for supper.

Friday, July 26

Today is St. Ann’s Day.  Edythe for lunch.  Drove back down town with her.  Charlotte here doing the laundry.  Supper at 360.  Went to Branford.

Sat. July 27, 1929.

Home all day.  Peg here from last night.  Lounged all day.  Jean home at 2.  Had supper at the “Green Door"  on Clifton Ave.  Went to Naps re: banquet.

Sun. July 28, 1929

Drove Mrs. Cryer to N.Y. to ferry for boat to Boston. Mr. Cryer very thin and still sick.  Went to Cousin Meg’s for data on her car.  Home early.

Monday, July 29, 1929

Home all day.  Slim here to fix drainage.  Jean came home for supper.  Marietta phoned to ask about where to give Dinner Dance for Jeawel on Sept 15th pin honor of passing her bar.

Tues. July 30, 1929

Mrs. Nap phone to say she had a letter from her husband at the farm.  He is in need of several things and she asked me to driver her out on Thursday.

Wed. July 31, 1929

Home until noon.  Went to 360 and had long debate with Mother and Father on Paren Love to children. They misunderstood my argument entirely.  

Lynda Grace and The Food Angel

She was little and old; very very, old.   Puffy snow white hair framed her face.  Time had been kind to her, though; for the lines etched on her face were gentle ones.  They were kindness lines and smiley face lines.  And there was something vaguely familiar about her.  

Her gnarled hands were shaky as she reached into her cart and tentatively placed her groceries up on the belt.  

The young cashier robotically passed each of her many items over the scanner.  The equally as young bagger paid little attention to the woman; obviously more interested in hearing the dramatic tale of woe being told by her co-worker.  I was annoyed at the bagger for handing the woman her packed bag instead of placing it in the cart for her because the woman was clearly having difficulty managing that.  

By the time I got in line she was almost done checking out.  Her basket was overflowing with groceries in “green” red bags.  “That will be $258.98,” said the cashier.  

She opened up her purse, you know one of those old fashioned ones with the snap closures, and took out a worn leather wallet.  One by one, she slowly counted out three one hundred dollar bills.

I was so curious about her.   I wondered why she was buying so much food.  I thought of several scenarios.   She probably lived with one of her kids and she contributed by doing the food shopping.  Maybe she was stocking up her pantry for the “Grandma’s Back Porch Cafe” that she has been running for  the past 60 years.  Or perhaps she was a food angel, buying and delivering food to those in need.  

She thanked the two girls.  I wasn’t sure why she was, thanking them that is.  But I guess that’s what food angels do. 

I thought, of course, that the cashier or bagger would offer to help her out to her car because she could barely push her cart.  But they didn’t.

All the while I was checking out, I kept thinking about the woman.  I finally realized the reason she looked familiar to me was because I identified with her as a not too distant future mirror image of myself.  

There is more to this story.  I hesitated about telling the rest of it, though, because I am not happy about it.  But, this is my blog.  It is the place where I try to take a long hard look at...well me. 

So, after I left the store, loaded my groceries into my car, and started driving towards the parking lot exit, I saw the old woman.  She was still there having a hard time getting her groceries into her car. 

And I thought about stopping.  I really did.  But I didn’t. I didn’t stop to help the food angel.  What stopped me from stopping?  

Since then I have done a little self analysis about the incident.  Okay a lot of self analysis.  

I figured out that my shyness and trust issues took precedence over my basic instinct to help someone in need.  The saddest part is that I let the opportunity to help a person with whom I had empathy pass me by. 

I just know that I would have left that parking lot with a smile on my face if I had stopped to help the food angel.  

And that’s the lesson I learned. 

I have created a page for Anna's Diary.  It can be found under the Tab titled Anna's Diary.

I have posted all of the entries to date there, starting with January 1, 1929.

Here are the past few days from Anna’s diary:
Wed., July 17, 1929
Received word from Princeton College that Bill passed his entrance exam unconditionally.  He won four year scholarship at $1000 a year for Princeton for 4 years.
[Bill is Anna’s brother.]
Thurs. July 18, 1929
Jewel got news today that she passed the “Bar”. Lunched with her and Edythe.  I went to 360 to get a big chicken dinner ready as Ma is away to shore.  Celebrated for Jewel.
[Jewel is Anna’s sister.]
Friday, July, 19, 1929
Met Jewel and Edythe for lunch.  Had a talk with J. regarding E. affair.  J. is going to ask Mr. F. for advice about it.  He suggested talking with both E and C.  She agreed.
Sat. July 20, 1929
Home all day.  Went to see Grandma M with Baby.  Had supper.  Her bad day.  Went out to visit her friends.  Came to 360 with me afterwards until 1:30.

To V or Not To V? That is the Question!

I’ve been discovered.  Yay?  Uh, no. 

In April I participated in the Blogging From A-Z Challenge.  It was a great experience.  One that I thoroughly enjoyed.  

There was a side effect, though, which I am not thoroughly enjoying.  

To encourage and or make it easier for readers to leave comments, the hosts of the challenge suggested that we turn off moderation and word verification. 

I did both.  During the challenge and a month after the challenge I would get an occasional comment that was clearly a piece of spam   Blogger is great in catching those and none made it to my blog.  The real issue for me is that I have the setting turned on in Blogger to notify me of comments to my blog.  Even though Blogger sweeps the spam comments into a spam folder, I still get an e-mail notifying me of each and every comment.  It doesn’t matter whether it’s a spam comment or a legitimate comment. 

Now, it seems that I have been flagged as an easy spam target.  Have the spammers spread the word? Has the one or two occasional spammers told one or two more and then they told their friends and so on and so on?  Judging by the number of comments now in my Blogger spam folder it certainly seems that way.  As I said, since I am being notified of every comment via e-mail, I am getting 10-15 e-mails a day in my inbox and 98% of those are spam comments. 

I googled the question: “What do spammers get out of leaving spam comments on a person's blog?”

The search returned an easy to understand explanation written by Jim Connolly on his blog Jim’s Marketing Blog. The post was titled “Why Your Blog Comments Don’t Get Published”.

The following is an excerpt from his post:

“Why do spammers do this?  They do this, usually just to get backlinks for their site or client’s sites.  Each backlink is seen by Google similarly to a vote.  The more backlinks a site has, the more votes it gets and theoretically, the higher that site will rank in Google’s search results.  Comment spammers place these links into comments and then use software to attack thousands of sites; trying as many sites as they can, that have no spam protection.  Sites with no protection are flagged as weak and their URL distributed, meaning they get more and more spam!”

I wondered if I should turn word verification back on.   I had a delusional moment and thought that by doing that it might discourage my many, many readers from leaving their many, many comments.   

After spending another few moments indulging in my fantasy of being a famous blogger, I snapped out of it and faced my blogger reality.   I don’t have hundreds and hundreds of readers and therefore I don’t get hundreds and hundreds of comments.  Oh, wait, I take that back, if you count the spammers, then I actually have gotten hundreds of comments.  

I am quite happy, grateful and fortunate enough to have a few favorite blogger friends who kindly and consistently leave thoughtful and encouraging comments. 

I would not be happy if they found it too difficult to communicate and were discouraged from leaving their much appreciated comments.

 So, that’s my dilemma.  Word V or no Word V?  That is the question.  

I have created a page for Anna's Diary.  It can be found under the Tab titled Anna's Diary.

I have posted all of the entries to date there, starting with January 1, 1929.

Here are the catch up entries from Anna’s diary:

Friday, July 12, 1929

Home all day.  Peg and Flo came for supper.  Went for a little ride then took girls home.  Bed early.  Very tired from driving Mr. Nap day and night yesterday.

Saturday, July 13, 1929

Home all day.  Jean home at one.  Had lunch.  She took a nap.  I had working streak on and cleaned house thoroughly.  George & Marietta came over in evening.

Sunday, July, 14, 1929

Jean went to Mass first.  Home and then I went.  Had dinner here.  Took a nap.  Then went to 360 later in the day.  Left Junior there and went to movies with Jean.

Monday, July 15, 1929

Home.  Went to bank to see books on insurance.  Talked with Dick about investments.  Decided to keep At&T and Penn R.R.

Friday, July 16, 1929

Home all day.  Went to 360 in afternoon.  Stayed for supper.  Ma & Pa away to shore.  Jean played tennis.  I came home with Baby.