Heart of My Heart - The Rest of the Story

So as I was saying in yesterday’s post…

On Thursday night, I was exhausted and fell into a deep peaceful sleep pretty quickly.   I was asleep for  only a few hours when I heard the rustling. I was so tired and groggy, that  I turned over,  pulled the covers up over my head and tried to get back to sleep.  But, there it was again, rustle, rustle.  I lifted my heavy head and looked around the room.  As my eyes adjusted to the dark, I saw that it was Ross pacing back and forth from his side of the bed to my side.
When I asked him what was wrong, he said he just didn’t feel right.
The EMS crew responded within minutes of my 911 call.  They immediately gave him oxygen and nitro glycerin under his tongue.
I wondered how they were going to manage to get a gurney down those three flights of killer stairs.
                                      That’s how   ———————————>







So the emergency room visit (you were right, JT) turned into an overnight stay for observation which then turned into a Cardiac Catheterization.  Thankfully, the test showed that Ross’ heart is fine.  His discomfort was probably due to a hiatal hernia, which they discovered during a chest X-ray.

The whole experience was intense and insightful.  I may now have a better understanding of why health care costs are so high.

One of the first things they do when a patient of a certain age is brought into an emergency room complaining of any kind of chest discomfort is a series of blood tests.

From the website Livestrong.com
"Cardiac enzymes include troponin and creatine kinase. Creatine kinase, or CK MB, can tell a doctor if you have had a heart attack and whether medicines you are receiving are effectively dissolving the blood clot that caused the heart attack, according to LabTestsOnline.org. Troponin helps medical professionals determine if a heart muscle was injured during the heart attack.”

Three blood tests are performed and tested at three hour intervals.  The first two of Ross’ tests came back negative.  We also explained to the doctor’s that Ross had just had a stress test done two weeks prior and that test came back okay.

However, the on staff hospital cardiologist recommended that Ross have the Cardiac Catheterization. No, wait let me re-phrase that.  When he saw that Ross was hesitant to have this invasive procedure done (particularly in a hospital that we were not familiar with) he began to pressure Ross with what I would consider heavy duty scare tactics.

It went something like this:

Dr: Heart:  "Now you can leave here without having this procedure done, but I have seen too many cases of patients ignoring these warning signs only to drop dead on the way home.”
“Besides, you’re already here.  I can get this done right now for you.  Why wait?"

No kidding, those were pretty much his exact words.  He basically made Ross an offer he could not refuse.

At the end of the day, I’m sure Ross made the right choice to go ahead and have the test done.  It was a relief for us to know for sure that the problem was not caused by his heart.

I just sometimes wonder, though,  who the doctors are trying to protect more…the patient or themselves.

So that’s how our vacation ended a day early.   Pretty tricky of Ross to fake a heart attack just to get out of packing up the vacation house and schlepping everything down those three flights of killer stairs.

On December 5, 2011, Joe passed away. 

Nine months is so significant to a mother. 

The weight of carrying my grief from the loss of my Joe is heavy on my heart. 


I miss my son.

I have created a page for Anna's Diary.  It can be found under the Tab titled Anna's Diary.

I have posted all of the entries to date there, starting with January 1, 1929.

Thursday, September 5, 1929
Home all day.  Not feeling very well.  Took it easy and let all the work go.  Junior very swee to me and tried to cheer me up and take care of me.

A Terrace With A View and Those Killer Stairs

Why do things seem scarier in the shadowy darkness of the middle of the night?  Are our primal
"fight or flight" responses more heightened and sensitive when awakened from a sound sleep at 1:00 a.m.?
Admittedly, there are monsters we must sometimes face, that will always trigger heart racing, palm sweating fear, no matter what time of day or night they occur.



The spacious top floor townhouse we rented at the shore last week provided us with a terrace and a view of the ocean.  That's what sold me when we looked at the place.  I hardly noticed that I was a little winded by the time we got to the top of the 3 flight of stairs.  But I did notice that Ross seemed to have a more difficult time with the stairs.  I told him it would be okay.  After all how often were we going to be going up and down those stairs?
We would be leaving for the beach early Saturday morning.  On Friday afternoon, we were going to go out for a few more last minute items and the car wouldn't start.  We called AAA hoping it was just the battery.  No such luck.  The car was dead, no guesses from the triple A guy as to what the problem could be.  I shushed that nagging voice whispering in my mind "could this be some kind of warning sign?"  Don't be silly, I thought.
So change of plans, we would take the sedan instead of the SUV.
As we started to load up the car with suitcases, duffles of linens (enough for 6 beds) towels,(both bath and beach) dozens of grocery bags, beach chairs and umbrella, etc., I started to realize that we would have to cart all of this stuff up those three flights of stairs.  But, I thought, no problem.  I walk on the treadmill 4 or 5 times a week, at least 3 miles each time, it'll be fine.
I wish I could say it took quite a few trips up and down before we were out of breath and red in the face.  But that was not the case.  After just the first trip up, carrying those sacks of heavy linens (enough for 6 beds) and heavy towels (beach and bath) Ross and I were huffing and puffing... heavily, huffing and puffing.  And I thought, we are way too old to be doing this.
But we managed to get everything up, with the help of plenty of resting stops in-between.
Later that day, my young son-in-law arrived with my grandson.  He also had a filled car to unload.  I giggled to myself when I saw that he also was huffing and puffing by the time he reached the top of the stairs.  And as each of the rest of my family arrived, they commented on the nice view from the terrace and those killer stairs.
We had a lovely week.  Except for black fly Wednesday, we had perfect beach weather every day.
By Thursday, my son and his girlfriend, my daughter, her husband and my two grandchildren had left.  My sister and her husband came down on Thursday and would stay with us until Friday evening.
We spent a nice day on the beach, sent out for wings and shrimp for dinner, and then went out for an ice-cream dessert.
As we settled in to watch my all time favorite summer reality show "Big Brother"(Steve, you were right, just for you, I decided to somehow work BB  into my blog), I couldn't help but think about all of the packing up and schlepping we would be doing Friday.  The comforting thought, though, was the trip down those stairs had to be easier, wouldn't you think?
As the evening wound down, the four of us said our goodnights and we all looked forward to a nice long restful sleep and hopefully another beautiful last day at the beach.
But it was not to be.
To Be Continued...

I have created a page for Anna's Diary.  It can be found under the Tab titled Anna's Diary.

I have posted all of the entries to date there, starting with January 1, 1929.

Tues. September 3, 1929

Rosalie here with Baby.  Went downtown to buy jewelry to go with my evening dress.  Bought bracelet of onyx and diamonds with pendant on a chin for neck to match.

Wed. September 4, 1929 

Elise took her car out and took Junior and I out with her.  We went to see Grandma M. and Grandpa was there too.

A Garden of Freedom, Life, Spirit and Joe

  All four of my children’s grandparents are buried in the Franklin Memorial Park Cemetery.    On December 5, 2011, nine months ago, my son, Joe was entombed in one of the chapel mausoleums at Franklin Memorial Park.
I don’t visit Franklin Memorial Park very often.  It is too difficult.
About a month ago, someone recommended a grief group to me.  It is called “The Compassionate Friends”.  The group specifically provides grief support after the death of a child.
As stated on their website: "Through a network of more than 640 chapters with locations in all 50 states, as well as Washington DC and Puerto Rico, The Compassionate Friends has been supporting bereaved families after the death of a child for four decades.”
About two weeks ago, I joined the Facebook group of my local chapter of TCF.  Last night I finally worked up the courage to post something on the group’s page.  I was immediately warmly welcomed.  Somehow, even though I have not yet met any members of this group, I already feel a connection with these people.  
I chatted a little while with Stacy.  She told me about a garden that the local chapter of TCF has created.  It is called “The Children’s Memorial Garden” and is located in Winding River Park, Toms River, NJ
Today, Ross and I went to visit the garden. 
 As soon as I stepped into the garden, I felt a sense of peace. Winding pathways meander along a quite brook. 

 Summer annual pink, white, and red begonias and impatiens are in full bloom. Purple  bushes attract large golden yellow butterflies.   Benches of soft marble, and an open gazebo provide resting and reflecting spots. There are life size bronze statuary of children in touching poses.  






I have found a place.  A place filled with buzzing, chirping fluttering and rippling sounds of life.  A place filled with baby buds, and full grown blooms.  A replenishing place, where life only rests until the next cycle of life begins.

The walkways are set with bricks engraved with names, birthdays and death days of children who have passed. 
As I strolled along these paths of bricks, I unexpectedly became overcome with emotion.  I sat down on one of the benches and suddenly I did not feel alone.   I felt the freedom of spirit and life and I felt Joe. 

I have created a page for Anna's Diary.  It can be found under the Tab titled Anna's Diary.

I have posted all of the entries to date there, starting with January 1, 1929.

Here are the catch up entries from Anna's diary:

Sunday, August 25, 1929

Rested all morning.  Went to 360 for a while.  Then went to see Angie on River St.  Stayed real late and Rose came back with baby and I to stay over night.

Monday, August 26, 1929

Rose and I had breakfast late.  Brought Junior to 360.  Went to pick Mary on Clifton Ave.  Drove Rose home.  Mary and I shopped for Vera's party to be held tomorrow.

Tues. August 27, 1929

Today is Vera's birthday.  Went over at twelve to help a little.  About 25 children.  Twelve mothers.  Tom came home from business and made us all stay later.  Jean came over later.

Wed. August 28, 1929

Went to Allenhust today.  Just Baby and I.  Stopped at Tavern Smoke Shop for our dinner.  Baby Parade at Asbury but we didn't go.  After supper talked until 2 a.m.

Thurs. August 29, 1929

At Allenhurst.  Dick late for his train.  We went to beach.  Children only went bathing.  Cool Home early.  Had a nap. Supper.  Went out for beer and pretzels.

Friday August 30, 1929

Came home today.  Gladys came with me.  Took home the bird and the plants.  Elsie coming home on Monday.  Gladys staying with me until then.  Raining out and cold.

Sat. August 31, 1929

Gladys went to stay with Kay in Nutley.  Met Jean & Peg to shop.  Peg bought Gold Panne Velvet evening dress for Jewel's banquet. Then went to Shuberts to see"Sweet Adeline" with Helen Morgan, star. 

Memoranda

Jean dress for banquet is Peach Velvet.  Jewel has Orchid Chiffon, tight bodice, full skirt long in back, short in front. A deeper shade transparent velvet cloak to wrap around. 

Sunday, September 1, 1929

Gladys still at Kay's. Peg overnight.  Rose and Bill came voer. Girls still at Long Branch.  Home all day.  Very warm.  Bud came over to tell me their house had been robbed and left a mess.

Monday, September 2, 1929

Labor Day.  Home.  Gladys came back.  Hung around all day.  Later went to 360 for supper.  Brought Jean and Junior home. Went to Tivoli with Peg and Rosalie.