A Poignant Mother's Story My Review of "The Testament of Mary"

I can't remember the last time I was so affected by an author's words.     It has been a long time since I have been profoundly moved enough by a writer's story that I was brought to tears.  I'm not sure I have ever felt such a strong connection to a protagonist.
I am not a religious person, quite the opposite, actually.  My childhood teachings were of the Catholic variety. At six, I was taught the words of the catechism by rote.    It is my opinion that I did not really learn enough to gain an understanding or even acceptance of faith.  After all, at the time, the Mass was mysteriously said in Latin.
We were not exposed to the bible in the same way that other religions teach it.   Therefore, I can not quote a single passage nor can I reference a chapter or verse.
I was, of course, told of two of the most commonly related stories;  the stories of Christmas and Easter.   These stories, told to me as a child, became intertwined in my mind with Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny.
Then I became old enough to understand that Jolly Ole Saint Nick and Peter Cottontail were un-believable.
Then life happened and I became old and perhaps that's when I began to wonder if Christmas and Easter were also un-believable.
On Sunday, as I was reading the November 9, NY Times Book Review section, the review of "The Testatment of Mary" by Colm Toibin grabbed my attention.   The title of the review was Blessed Among Woman, the reviewer was Mary Gordon.   After reading Gordon's excellent review, I had to have the book.
The story of this short 80 page Novella is told by Mary in a first person narrative as she reflects on her life, the relationship she had with her son,  her passionate recollection of the events leading up to his death and her heart wrenching description of his crucifixion.
As I began to read, my emotional response was immediate.   After only a few sentences I was drawn to Toibin's Mary and developed an undeniable connection, as only one mother who has lost her son has to another mother who has also lost her son.
This Mary was old, near the end of her life. She was old enough to have had so much life happen that she feels she does not need to sleep or dream because...

 "Before the final rest comes this long awakening.  And it is enough for me to know that it will end."

I feel that this story will touch anyone who has mothered.  She talks about letting go of her son as he goes out into the world to make his own way.

"It was simple really--he could not have stayed.  I asked him nothing; I knew that he would easily find work and I knew he would send what the others who had gone before him sent,  Just as I wrapped for him what he would need as the other mothers did whose sons were leaving."

Mary has also experienced widowhood.  She muses about a certain chair that she has symbolically designated for her lost love.

"I keep the chair in the room because he will not come back.  I do not need to keep food for him, or water, or a place in my bed, or whatever news could gather that  might interest him.  I keep the chair empty."

Tobibin tells the tale simply, simply beautifully.  His lyrical writing conjured up vivid images for me.

I tasted, and smelled, and most importantly I was deeply touched.
I have a favorite passage.  One that was written just for me, or so I like to believe.   It is one that clutched my heart, brought immediate tears to my eyes and percolated my grief so that it bubbled back up to the surface.  This mother's grief that I try so hard to ignore and keep hidden is a grief  that, as I neared the end of the story, I came to realize is one that I share with this Mother of so long ago.
There are many beautifully written passages in this book that I want to remember.  I would like to quote each and everyone here.  But I want you to be able to taste and smell and feel each one for the first time.
Mother Mary's story is told in such a way that it made me wonder and speculate and finally believe that it could have actually, quite possibly happened this way.

I have created a page for Anna's Diary.  It can be found under the Tab titled Anna's Diary.

I have posted all of the entries to date there, starting with January 1, 1929.

Here are the last few entries  from Anna's diary:
Thurs.  November 14, 1929
Brought Junior to the dentist for the first time.  At first he was a little frightened but we talked it out of him.  Filled on tooth.  He was very brave at the drilling, the dear.
Friday, November 15, 1929
Home all day.  Phone rang about 4:30.  I was Bill home from Princeton for the week end.  Wanted to see Baby & I  Went over for supper.  Played bridge afterwards until Jean came from school.
Sat. November 16, 1929
Jean  home for lunch.  Dressed then brought Junior to 360 and went down town to change hat for Lean who is very sick.  Bill & Rosalie for supper here.  Jean went to party at Pegs.  She stayed at 360.

The Four Star General's Eve, Hurricane Sandy, & Good Ole Days Beach Photos

So, the election is over and I say TGIO, but, wait, not so fast.  The talking heads, the politicos, those, ad nauseam analyzing, sound biting,  headache inducing voices at Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, PBS, etc, didn't take a breath between declaring the winners and speculating on the, which in their junkie minds, "it'll be here before you know it" 2016 ticket. UGH!

Imagine the pants wetting excitement over at the stations when the Petraeus story came across their "tickers".
I have to admit, I did find it to be a pretty juicy tidbit.  The"over coffee" conversation the other evening between the four of us went something like this:
Me: " Men!"
"I just don't understand why someone like the General would, first, be so inconsiderate of his family, and second, potentially destroy such a stellar reputation, and third, most likely mar his rich and rewarding legacy."
"I just don't get it."
My sister chimed in with "yes, I absolutely agree with you, Lynda".  (BTW, thanks sis.)
My BIL:  "Whoa, there, why are you targeting men?"
"What about the woman?  What about her part?  How come all of the negative attention is on him?"
As I stammered trying to come up with a plausible counter point,  I realized that I couldn't quite come up with a legitimate one that would not also be demeaning to this woman.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that when "they" are reporting about the general, "they" talk about his reputation. "They" offer up prayers that the Petraeus's will find the strength to get through this difficult time.  They remind us of what an up-standing man he was.  That is he was until he fell under the spell of  that "Eve".
 Okay "they" didn't explicitly report it that way, but isn't that what is implied?  Aren't  these "other women"always portrayed as the temptresses.  After all it is a well bible documented fact that "we" do have the secrets of and the complete control over those tasty forbidden fruits.
Sisters, perhaps it is time we tap into that power on a grander scale. After all,  if we can use it so effectively to bring down a four star general, think about what we else we could accomplish.
Ahh, just imagine, a peaceful, loving fruit-filled world, which I am sure is exactly what Eve had in mind.  That is until the networks put their spin on it.

The other inundation, which seems to have become quite the competition between these TV channels,  is  "who can tell the most heartbreaking, heartwarming, profiles in courage, villainous power company stories about Super Sandy, or to coin a phrase, as "they" have so aptly done, the Frankenstorm.

Now don't get me wrong, I am heartbroken about the devastation.  We live very near to some of the areas hit hardest by the storm.  We have not been allowed to cross over the bridge to get onto the island since October 30.

We moved here 10 years ago. We have been going over to our beach at least a couple of times a week,  year round, during these past 10 years. Although,  I am afraid and worried about what I will see when we are allowed over the bridge,  I miss seeing the ocean and I need to see it soon.
It's amazing what a little staring out over the sea can do to calm some frazzled nerves.

 Beach Haven 1985

Beach Haven 1985

Beach Haven LBI July 2011

Life Guards at Belmar Summer 2012

Love Ladies Long Beach Island Summer 2011

LBI Summer 2012

LBI July 2012

Ocean City NJ August 2012

Beach Haven LBI July 2011

I have created a page for Anna's Diary.  It can be found under the Tab titled Anna's Diary.

I have posted all of the entries to date there, starting with January 1, 1929.

Here are the catch up entries from Anna's diary.  

Wed. November 6, 1929

Home until 2:30.  Then went to get a fitting for dress Rose is sewing for me.  Then went to Mrs. Naps for supper. Left for home early.  Junior very tired.

Thurs. November 7, 1929

Mother telephone that Grace and Chas have a son, born last night.  Looks like his Daddy.  Went to see him.  Both doing fine.  Also went to dentist trouble with wisdom tooth.

Friday, November 8, 1929

Grandma M stopped in this morning.  Stayed only a little while.  Still had toothache.  Went to see new baby again.  Then stopped at 360 and home early.

Sat. November 9, 1929

Home. Jean came at 1:30. Peg stopped in for a minute.  Brought baby to 360.  Jewel, Helen, Jean and I went to NY to see "New Moon".  Had supper at Zucca's.  Took bus home to Helen's All overnight. 

[For an Interesting tidbit about Zucca's restaurant, click here.]

Sun. November 10, 1929

Had breakfast at 10:30 with Helen.  Roy away on hunting trip.  Left for 360 about 2:30.  Jewel waited for Rick.  Jean and I went to visit Grace for  a couple of hours.  Baby getting along fine.

Mon. November 11, 1929

Armistice Day.  Jean home.  Went to New York shopping.  Bought tweed ensemble suit with gray satin blouse and black caracal fur trimming.  Home for supper.  Bed early. Tired

Tues.  November 12, 1929

Junior and I went downtown this morning shopping.  Home about two.  Took a nap.  After supper went to my club meeting at Valerie B's.  Gave out theater tickets for "Little Show."

Wed.  November 13, 2012

Home all day.  Raining out.  Nasty.  Baked three chocolate cream pies.  Jewel & Rick came over 8:30.  JEan came from school 10:30 with Peg and Marg.  All had a bite.  They left at 12.

It's Gauzy and Fuzzy Here Where I Stay

Today is November 5.  Eleven months ago, on December 5, my son Joseph passed away from colon cancer.  He was 36 years old.  He battled this evil that is cancer for nearly two years.

I was only just starting to get reacquainted with my adult son, husband, with his own child when he became ill.  

I am mostly still in the place of his illness.

Oh, I have tried the various pathways suggested by the travel agents of Grief .  The glossy brochures that  arrive in the mail every three months indicate that there are must see stops along the way.  They caution that my journey will be like no other.   "We're sorry," they say, "but we cannot tell you how long you will be gone or if you will ever come back."   They instruct  "to pack wisely to ensure that you have everything you need."

I have not committed to the next leg of this trip yet, though.  I prefer to stay where I am, at least for just a little while longer.

It's gauzy and fuzzy where I stay, here in the place of his illness.  For in the place of his illness, I can see his smile, hear his voice, feel his hand in mine.   For in the place of his illness he is still here.

Last November 5, I wrote this:
"Tomorrow my family is getting together for picture day.   It's supposed to be a beautiful sunny day.  Everyone is meeting at the park near where Joe's house is.   We are all hoping that Joe can make it.  But, if all he can manage is a few minutes in his back yard, we will be grateful for that."

 Joe did make it to the park that day.  What I remember most about that day were the few precious moments I had with him, just he and I, sitting in his car, keeping warm, being quiet, watching from the inside looking out.

As I write this, I am struck by how special it is to be able to jog my memory with that piece I had written one year ago.  

As I write this, I am also struck by how regretful I feel that I did not start writing about these types of moments so many years ago.   

Perhaps it would be easier to move along on this journey if I had.   

I wonder what two year old Joey and I were doing on November 5,  1977?  

Memories fade so quickly.


I wistfully miss my Joey and painfully anguish that I did not have enough time with Joe. 

I have created a page for Anna's Diary.  It can be found under the Tab titled Anna's Diary.

I have posted all of the entries to date there, starting with January 1, 1929.

Here are the catch up entries from Anna's diary.  I suddenly realize how important a diary can be.

Wed. October 30, 1929
Club met at Olives.  Girls all masked and completely surprised hostess.  I dressed in father's clothes.  Brought all the girls home as it was raining and very nasty out.  Stayed with Helen.
Thurs.  October 31, 1929
Charlotte here for laundry.  Nasty weather.  Went to Elsie's for a few hours.  Slept with Junior in afternoon.  Kept him up late to greet Halloween children that called.
Friday, November 1, 1929
Home all day.  Junior went to Elsie's to play after Violet came home from school.  Corinne stopped in for supper.  No school.  Went home at 9:30.
Sat. November 2, 1929
Home all day long.  After supper we got dressed and went to 360 as Jewel is giving a bridge for the committee girls that gave her the banquet.  We stayed over night.
Sun.  November 3, 1929
At 360.  Awoke late.  Everybody still in bed.  So went back to bed.  Hung around till four then came home.  Made supper for Jean, Junior and myself.  Read paper then bed.
Mon.  November 4, 1929
Went to Mary's for lunch.  Then brought Junior to 360 and Rose, Mary, Children and myself went to Branford.  Home at six.  Supper at 360.  Then home.
Tues.  November 5, 1929
Election Day.  Jean home.  Went to NY to buy tickets for Club girls to see "The Little Show" at Music Box.  Rosalie with me.  She bought a coat. Camels hair with beaver collar.