Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Where’s My Hat? Is It Because?

Is It Because?
I sensed you were here with me in the haze of the darkness of the night.  You stood alone away from the others and you called out to me.  You were cold, you said.  “Where’s my hat?”  “You made everyone else one, but have you forgotten about me?”

Is it because I have started to lift my head up a little now and then?
But, I lift my head up only to seek your smile, frozen in framed memories.
Is it because I caught a glimpse of light out of the corner of my eye, every so slightly and looked to see what was to the left and to the right of me?
But, what is to the right of and left of me are only the rocky paths of broken dreams and unfilled promises.
Is it because I sometimes now notice that I haven’t showered since too many days ago?
But, steamy waterfalls, echoing and pounding on cold tiles, only drown out my sobs and mask my tears.
Is it because I smile and laugh when the others are around?
But, I smile and laugh for them, for that is only what they can bear to see and hear.
Is it because I left my warmth of inside yesterday?
But, the ice of outside winter only dulls my pain.

I sometimes feel that the shackles of my grief are starting to loosen ever so slightly.  But the sound from the rattle of loose chains are just as binding.

 Even though I may try to bury my sadness in graves of distraction, I miss you every minute of every day.

You are with me always.  Today I will make your hat.  It will be the most special one, for the yarn will be threads of loving memories.  And when it is finished I will wear it for you.


  1. I love this,Lynda. Take a photo of you wearing the hat! Maybe frame it and put it on the kitchen wall. That's what I would do anyway.

    1. Thanks, JT. Now that's an idea I hadn't thought of. I like it. Thanks!

  2. Thanks for sharing this. I feel what you say about the shackles of grief...sometimes they feel like they are loosening but somehow they are still there. Hugs.

    1. My dream about Joe was so vivid. I could clearly hear his voice. Funny, I guess subconsciously I am afraid that he is starting to slip away, be forgotten, you know?. Not by us, of course, but as someone said to me very recently "life goes on". Yes, and as I should have said to this person, so does my sadness, so does my grief, so does the pain I feel every day from the loss of my son. It also goes on.

  3. thinking good thoughts Lynda. I can't imagine. I don't ever want to experience your pain. But I do sympathize

  4. As I read your last comment.... I think of my parents. Who have lost 2 daughters. Still. I can't imagine. I don't want to.